Autoethnography

Walking into the rehearsal room, I felt very out of place, like I was intruding on something very special. It was organized chaos. The movement of dancers, videographers, designers, and choreographers, all working together in synchronicity. I immediately felt a sense of community, and togetherness, all of them stretching in a circle, and discussing how the next hour and a half run through was going to go. These dancers were so different from my peers, dressed in sweats, with one pant leg rolled up to their knee the other one down, socks black on the bottom from sliding their feet across the floor, hair falling in their faces, due to the intensity of their movement. The room was similar to a studio, small and cramped, but they worked with what they could, the smell of sweat and perfume lingering. There were mirrors along the side of one wall, the outer edges completely fogged up from the sweat and heavy breathing. I squeezed myself far into a corner, far out of view from the recording camera, where I observed and took notes. While viewing the performance, I was overwhelmed, reacting to the intense music, and the emotive movement. I am only familiar with looking at a whiteboard and computer screen all day. It allowed me to view a piece of work that unfolded before me, and held meaning and purpose, rather than numbers or facts. 

Through my observations, I was able to see the work and process that goes into choreography, staging, music selection and much more. I was able to compare it to my everyday life of being a physiology major. By interviewing my sister and doing some research, I was able to dive deeper into the mind set behind being a dancer. I learned what they have to go through daily, and what it means to study that subject, versus a more academic based subject. I have heard many point of views of what a college dancers life really is, and I wanted to reveal my discoveries. Through this experience, I saw that as college students we are all striving to earn a degree, but the journey is very diversified and is a unique experience for each student based on the level of excellence no matter what subject. 

I have seen many dance performances, however, they were the final outcome or production of the work.  It was most interesting to see the raw process, the real effort that it takes to produce a cohesive show and effectively produce a message, all while keeping the audience’s attention. Not only must the director and choreographer adhere to their own vision, they also have to consider the reaction and perception of their audience. There have been times where I have gone to see a show where I had felt no connection at all, and yet there have been other times where I would be fully absorbed, emotional and crying by the end. The rehearsal revealed the amount of people that are needed to create and produce this type of show; it is a way to bring people from all different artistic majors together and form a collaborative process that helps all of them learn. This was my sister’s first time working together with actors and dancers, another interesting aspect to view in how a director and choreographer need to make decisions about what needs to happen. It seems more difficult than just working in a group lab, as the topic at hand is a more touchy, personal subject that has to be dealt with greater sensitivity. 

While viewing the rehearsal, I knew that the dancers could sense my discomfort and awkwardness, but they were willing to welcome me with open arms into their space. With that observation, I honed in on that idea of community and how close and accepting they all are to each other. Being such a concentrated major, they constantly see and interact with the same people everyday, forming a deep connection that allows them to work together in a way that flows in a natural, comfortable rhythm. With more of an academic based major, that sense of community isn’t as apparent and tends to be more rigid, as emotion and art is obviously not a prevalent subject that is focused on. Sharing that kind of message and story seemed to bring them together in a way where they all want to share this story to the best of their ability.

I spoke to my sister about what she thinks sets them apart from other majors on campus.  She agrees that, “There’s so few of us in comparison, and there is a communal sense of passion and hard work between all of us. We are all working towards similar goals. Artistic people tend to have a different mindset that allows us to connect on a different level. Having a body and mind connection and awareness sets us apart from other people.” 

Another aspect that I noticed was that they wanted to get my perspective on the show, being an outsider who isn’t exposed to dance.  That led me to think about the differences between the mentality of a dancer, and those of someone who is not immersed in that lifestyle. These dancers come up with intricate ways of portraying some message, through movement, in hopes that the audience can somehow connect and feel the impact of their message. They are constantly exercising their brains to create, and think about every single detail and what it could be adding to or taking away from their story. This is only part of the time and energy that goes into being a dance major. Piper, my sister says that, “Time commitment is probably the hardest thing compared to other majors; it’s not just class, its shows, grad theses, rehearsals, extra projects, etc.” The UCI website shares that not only do they have to spend a great deal of time dedicated to choreography and shows, but they also have to take classes like kinesiology, dance history, and dance health and injury prevention. Even as we were growing up, I noticed the extensive time commitment, as my sister would leave home early in the morning and come back very late at night, along with weekend long conventions to supplement practice. My major takes hard work as well, but is definitely more assignment based, with lots of sitting, note taking, lab analysis, and experiments. We both work hard for what we want, but just have to accomplish in different ways. 

There is an article from The Panther titled, “Recognize the Complexities of the Dance Major” written by Camryn Eakes that dives into the misconceptions many people have about this major. She discusses how intensive it is, and is not as “easy” as everyone supposes it is, constantly revealing her true feelings and experiences everyday to her peers, and instructors which is a very taxing thing to do. She connects it to a science majors life, saying that, “Studio time is our lab, our calculator, our pen and paper.” Dancers have to be present, mind and body, and give it their all every single day, and they can’t get away with just “showing up” in order to achieve what they want. 

Many years ago, I used to be a very competitive gymnast, where I also felt the pressure and rigor that my sister experiences. Retiring from gymnastics after 9 years, has clouded my awareness of the difficulty of the position she is in, not only to balance the vigorous physical strain, but also having to deal with the mental complexities. I truly realized my sister’s passion for dance when she decided to forego the traditional high school experience, and transition into homeschool in order to prioritize dance.

Dance is very interpretive. Through watching the Tzaquik rehearsal, I noticed that certain parts were easier for me to understand, while others were harder to pinpoint the direct message. The director summarized in the program the inspiration behind the show, but wouldn’t reveal anything else, wanting the audience to interpret everything else based on their own ideas. But that’s the point of dance; every person gets something different out of it. Piper said when they put on a performance she wants the audience to be “…provoked emotionally or walk away with a new perspective on certain topics. Actually, the best reaction is when the audience has questions or new reflective thoughts.” With non artistic majors, everything is very direct, and straight to the point. There is only one distinct answer, in addition to supplying evidence or work to prove that answer. You either know your material or you don’t, and you are graded upon that. It is time consuming in a different way, as it takes time to determine all of the steps required, and then give analysis to results. A dancer’s grade is very subjective, and very personal; to be honest they probably have a much thicker skin to be able to receive all of the critique daily. I can see how being told something is wrong with your body, or that your ideas are not good enough can take a toll on a dancer’s confidence and ego. 

By viewing this performance, I was able to distinguish the differences between going to school with an art based study versus a science major. Before my sister had gone to school for dance, I had no idea that it could even be offered. Growing up with a dancer, I didn’t fully understand the concept of how much physical and mental work really goes into being a dancer, and the balance they have to achieve to succeed. Not only did this help me realize the time, effort, bruises, sweat and blisters that go along with what she does, but I hope that this sheds some light onto a subject that isn’t widely understood or known about. I have such a respect for the unique mindset a dancer must develop, the connection that they have with their emotions, and the passion they have behind the messages that they want to share with their audience. 

Currently, Cov-19 has made adjustments to our academic curriculum. More importantly, these dancers have been stripped of the opportunity to perform this piece in front of a live audience. As stated earlier, dancers rely on the physicality, emotion and energy that is drawn from each dancer as they work together and connect with their viewers. They have been asked to cancel the entire production, which has been very defeating. This proves that this dance community thrives on emotion and physical communication and contact, whereas for a normal academic based student, classes have simply transferred online… emotions intact.